BLOG

May 11, 2008

Three Questions

I haven’t written a Blog in a while, so please give a brief answer to these questions if you in fact read this and if you don’t read this, don’t.  You can send the answers to Signup@GilbertGottfried.com

• Does anyone read these Blogs?
• Should I continue writing them?
• Is the whole idea of Blogs completely lame and unhip?

March 23, 2008

A Night In Montana

For the first time in my career, I can tell you how to get to Sesame Street! You drive downtown during rush hour, go over the bridge, circle a few blocks without signs, park in an over priced garage and walk 11 blocks to the studio. Funny how they don't mention that in the song.

Although I don't know for sure when my episode of Sesame Street will air, I do know that my episode of Hannah Montana aired already. But don't despair Gilbert Gottfried fanatics, I believe it will re-air (I think) on Thursday, March 27th at 7pm EST.

I appear in the episode where Uncle Earl comes for a visit. To learn anything more about Hannah Montana and when various episodes will air during the day, you will have to talk to a group of 6 year old girls. I would talk to a group of 6 year old girls, but the judge told me in no uncertain terms not to.

January 16, 2008

A Good For Nothing Spade

According to a Howard Stern news report, comedian David Spade impregnated a Playboy Centerfold.  I know just what he’s going through.  I knocked up Scary Spice. 

January 2, 2008

SPEAR CHUCKER

To Britney's sister Jamie Lynn Spears...

Sorry, I honestly thought I could pull out in time.

To tthe rest of you...

Happy '08

December 12, 2007

I Doubt It

What sings and is strictly kosher?

Gwen Salami

Reminder… Whether you’re a Jew trying to save a penny on a cheap gift or some yokel who truly believes that God lives in the clouds and has a son named Jesus, “Gilbert Gottfried Dirty Jokes”, available on DVD and CD at http://www.gilbertgottfried.com, makes the perfect gift for the holidays. 

P.S. If you’re one of those people who celebrate Kwanzaa, you’ll probably just steal a copy. 

December 4, 2007

Hannah Time You Want

Some months ago, I did an episode of “Hannah Montana” on the Disney Channel.  Since then, a rumor started on the Internet that “Hannah” star Miley Cyrus was pregnant and decided to keep the baby.  I’m very happy to report that the rumor was totally false.  Thank God I wore a condom. 

But, there’s still that burning sensation when I pee….

November 17, 2007

An Evil Spell

Some of you thought that in my last Blog “Cranberry Fields Forever”, there was a misspelling.

Let me explain…  When the early settlers came to this land, they survived the unbearable summers and winters by buying cocaine from the Indians.  It is a known fact that Indians have very weak sinus cavities (hence the term “Nasal Americans”), so the Indians would take cocaine in a pill form.  The settlers would pay the Indians for a “Pill Gram”.

So, you see, my last email was a history lesson and not a case of me caring so little of my fans that I won’t bother to spell check.

November 15, 2007

Cranberry Fields Forever

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?

The Pilgrams.

Happy Thanksgiving.

October 30, 2007

Happy Halloween

I used the same knife as last year.  It is not a "pie server" as some of you thought!

More importantly...

Why does Dracula always carry a pack of mints? 

He's afraid he might have bat breath.

What's a monster's favorite play?

Romeo and Ghouliet

October 25, 2007

To the people of California

SORRY... I knew I left the iron on.

October 9, 2007

No B.S.

Well, it seems there are some snobs out there who don’t appreciate the jokes I’ve been emailing.  Some have even asked to be taken off of the mailing list!

To them, I say…

“How do you stop a bull from charging????”

“Take away his credit card.”

So, if you’re one of the killjoys that want me to stop emailing, just write back… “STOP”. 

However, if you are a stupid, immature, tasteless slob (y’know…a Gilbert Gottfried fan), and you enjoy this, then just drop your pants, bend over and type…

“THANK YOU SIR, MAY I HAVE ANOTHER!”

October 7, 2007

First Let Me Say Sorry…

Why did the man drink yeast and furniture polish every morning?

So he could rise and shine!

October 4, 2007

Under No Conditions

A woman asks a druggist, “Do you have shampoo?”

“No”, says the druggist.  “I have real poo.”

SORRY!

September 19, 2007

“Have You No Decency?!”

An American couple is visiting Russia. 

They hire a tour guide named Rudolph. 

As they are taking the tour, they feel a drop. 

The tour guide says, “Da! It is rain!” 

The wife says, “No, it’s snow!” 

The guide says, “It is rain!” 

They argue back and forth. 

Finally, the husband says to his wife, “Rudolph the red knows rain, dear!”

June 29, 2007

IMPORTANT TO GILBERT GOTTFRIED FANS

Some screw up happened in my computer and deleted a large number of email addresses from my address book. If you signed up for my Fan Club within the LAST 6 MONTHS and want to continue to receive my emails and announcements, please SIGN UP AGAIN!!!

Log onto www.GilbertGottfried.com and enter your name and email address under “Fan Club Signup” and click Submit.

Thanks.

June 27, 2007

“Kicked Out Of Canada”

Or

“Won’t You Let Me In Immigration Man”

As those of you with children probably know, I do the voice of Digit in an educational cartoon called “Cyberchase”.  I record it in Toronto.  Between this, film and comedy clubs, it’s safe to say I’ve worked in Canada at least 15 billion times. 

This particular trip was to record again for Cyberchase and it started extremely well.  I was bumped to an earlier flight and got through customs without one line.  The girl at the desk stamped my passport and said, “Go to Immigration.”  “No sweat” I thought and proceeded.  When I got to the Immigration desk, I was faced with an angry black lesbian.  Now, I assure you, I have nothing against blacks.  I had a lovely time working on the film “How To Be A Playa”.  The cast and crew adored me (If you didn’t see that movie, I’m sure it will pop up on Turner Classics).  And I have nothing against lesbians.  I am a big fan of ladies volleyball.   But this woman had BITCH written all over her (although she probably needed help writing it on her back).  Now let me say again, I have nothing against black lesbians.  I’ve worked with some very famous ones (Jerry Seinfeld).  She took my passport and looked down at me like I was bacteria.  She told me that I didn’t have the right papers. 

The Immigration man from the next desk came over and asked for my autograph.  This didn’t impress her or change her attitude. 

After over 2 hours of being treated like crap, the woman told me that I couldn’t work in Canada!  The man continued telling me that he was my biggest fan.  Why he couldn’t just tell her “Look, you pencil pushing combo platter of Star Jones and Rosie O’Donnell.  Didn’t you see The Aristocrats?  Let this man in right now.”  But alas, he didn’t. 

Finally I said “Alright, what’s the next flight out of here?  I’m going back to New York.”  They disappeared for an hour, came back and said “No more flights to New York tonight.”  My heart dropped.  I felt like Kurt Russell in “Escape from Toronto.”  They disappeared again for an hour and had me booked on an 8:15am flight.  You’d think when I took my ticket, gathered up my bags and turned to leave, the bitch behind the desk would have turned into an old Jew storekeeper and said, “Wait, come back, I’ll make for you a deal.”  Before you say anything, let me say this is not a put down of the Jewish people.  I’ve worked with several very prominent Orthodox Jewish leaders (Nicole Kidman to name a few). 

The next morning, the head of Cartoon Animation was on the phone with the Canadian Parliament.  Now I don’t know about you, but when I hear the words “Canadian Parliament”, I picture a one bedroom walkup.  Nothing against the Canadians, I’ve worked with Alan Thicke.  You know how the French consider Jerry Lewis a genius, the Canadians consider Alan Thicke…  Well, Alan Thicke. 

Anyhow, nothing worked out that night and I had to go home. 

Okay, this was a long angry message where I’ve offended just about everyone. 

Just so they won’t feel left out, let me end this by saying “FUCK THE IRISH”!!!!!!!!!!!!

June 18 , 2007

Yetta Notha Clean Joke

This joke was sent in by a fan...

Why did Tigger walk into the bathroom?

He was looking for Pooh.

Nope, you don't have to pass a rigorous I.Q. Test to be one of my fans.

June 3 , 2007

Clean Joke

Knock knock

Who's there?

Cargo

Cargo who?

Cargo beep beep beep.

February 13, 2007

Bleeped on Stern

Before you start reading this, of course you’ve already started reading this or you wouldn’t have read the sentence, “before you start reading this”.  Anyway, I sent this out recently in a mass email, so most of you have probably read this.  I’m putting it in my BLOG space because I’m lazy. 

On 1/10/07, Howard Stern actually bleeped me on Sirius no less! That I must say was a great accomplishment. Since that appearance, a lot of people have asked me what I said. I refuse to tell.

One: Because it makes it more legendary.

Two: Because it was so offensive and disgusting it could easily destroy the meager career I’m still desperately clutching onto.

I got called in to do a voice over on “Family Guy”. It took 15 minutes because I’m an immense talent and it was only three lines. I’m telling you now, because when it airs, I’ll forget to tell you.

January 1, 2007

Boobs From Bedroom Slippers

I was in a cut-rate shoe store and turned a pair of bedroom slippers into breasts. 

I figure if you’re a fan of mine, you are probably immature and have little or no standards in comedy.  Plus, if you’re in New York, I’ll be at Caroline’s Comedy Club on January 11th.  Anyway, have a happy ’07.

December 12, 2006

Sloppy Seconds

If you haven’t caught on to me so far, I’ve been sending out mass emails (well for me that’s 11 or 12) and after those people see it, I put it on my Blog.  As always, if you saw it before, pretend you didn’t.

This is an original Gilbert Gottfried photograph. It's called "Jew In A Christmas Tree".  So, this photo takes care of Christmas and Hanukah, plus since I've worked with both Eddie Murphy and Bill Cosby over the years, it also takes care of Kwanzaa.

Happy Holidays!

PS - Remember Christ's last words..."Oh Lord, why hath thou not purchased the DVD and CD 'Gilbert Gottfried Dirty Jokes' on www.GilbertGottfried.com. It makes a perfect Christmas gift."

If you don't believe me, check the bible. It's a direct quote. I swear.

November 21, 2006

A Pulbic Service

Well, let me preface this BLOG with a joke that you may or may not have received depending on if you got my mass email and if you did get my mass email, if it wasn’t completely blank.

What’s green, lives in your nose and sings?

Frank Snotra

Hope you enjoyed it.  If you did receive this joke before, hope you gave it a big phony laugh like you just heard it for the first time. 

Recently, I did a public service announcement that will be shown sometime in the next few months on MTV (I’m so young and hip).  It’s funny, when it’s a public service announcement or a charity where there is no money involved; I seem to be in the “A” list.  Usually when celebrities do public service announcements, it’s been ordered by a judge as a form of community service.  I’ve already done a bunch of PSA’s…Ronald McDonald House, ASPCA, Fire Safety, etc.  So, I hope when I do get convicted of a crime, these public service ads will work for me retroactively.  This of course is ignoring that triple homicide I committed.  But, that one doesn’t count because the police forgot to read me my rights, so it got kicked out of court.  Well, I wish I could write more, but I’m late for golf with OJ. 

October 28, 2006

“Children of the Night”

Some of you might have received this already.  If you have, I apologize for being a lazy bastard and not writing a new email, so please be nice and read it over pretending that you don’t know what’s coming up.

I made this jack-o-lantern myself.  My artistic genius knows no bounds!!!

Have a safe and Happy Halloween.

P.S. Remember, if Jesus could talk, he’d say, “Buy ‘Gilbert Gottfried Dirty Jokes’ on DVD and CD.  Log onto www.GilbertGottfried.com  It’s the perfect Christmas gift!”

Since Jesus can’t talk, I had to do the talking for him.  But, I’m sure that’s what he would have said.

September 12, 2006

"Spelling Bee"

In my last blog, the word lightning was misspelled.  Well, I did that on purpose.  I was just testing you.  It has nothing to do with my bad education or horrible spelling.  While we’re on the subject, all of the blogs that I’ve done that weren’t funny, I did on purpose too. 

On to another subject…This is true…  A few days ago, I was getting on the subway.  I walked up to the turnstile and before I had a chance to put my card through, a man’s arm reached out in front of me.  He swiped his card and said, “It’s on me.”  Well, of course I was flattered and quite touched.  Not because my talent brought joy into another person’s life, but because I saved two dollars.  This makes me think, from now on, if you spot me on a train, bus, plane, walking down the street, sitting in a restaurant or coffee shop, don’t bother to say you enjoy my work.  I won’t believe you.  And shaking hands only spreads germs.  So, just walk up to me, and hand me two dollars.  I think it will make the world a much nicer place.  For me at least. 

August 21, 2006

“The Lightning Is Your Father”

I was doing a gig in Cleveland and met two people (one man, one girl) who had been hit by lightning.  I guess that’s pretty common in Cleveland.  And, contrary to popular belief, neither of them could see the future, speak to the dead, make crippled people walk, or write five minutes for my act that are actually funny.

Lastly, for those of you with a phobia of being hit by lightning, I can honestly say that the man and woman who were hit looked none the worse for wear.  I can assure you that your chances of being hit by lightning are as good as your chance of being hit by lightning. 

I haven’t given you a stupid clean joke for a while, so here it goes…

What part of the military do babies fight in?

The Infantry

August 4, 2006

"Curse of the Blog"

No, this is not a blog with curses in it (you people are disgusting).  Millions of you have been screaming for a new blog.  Okay, maybe not millions, but I’m sure at least two.  And those two weren’t screaming, but mentioning it in passing.  But other than that, the facts are true. 

It seems not only have I been lax in returning emails (but I assure you I do read them), but I have been lax in posting my appearances.  This is due to technical difficulties and just plain laziness.  Did I mention I did “Last Comic Standing” as a judge?  A few appearances on “The Tonight Show” plus I played Boston.  All went great I tell you now in case you have a time machine for no other reason then flying back in time to catch my shows.  You’d think you would use your time machines to stop Hitler or Osama Bin Laden or Mel Gibson!  But no, you’re too busy chasing me around.

P.S.  Mel…What happened?  Did you look at the cop’s name tag and say “Ohara, that sounds like a Jew name?”

July 9, 2006

“A Tale of Two Cities”

That has nothing to do with this blog, but it sounded like a good title.  I hope no one else has used it before.  To all my fans (all 5 of you) who have been severely in need of a new blog, here is a ray of sunshine in your miserable existence. 

Some of my devoted followers out there have been sending me jokes.  Here are three…

I’m going to India.

I heard they had a new Delhi.

Why did the bird go to the doctor?

For a tweetment.

What did Tennessee?

The same thing Arkansas.

I hope this will keep you alive until my next blog. 

June 15, 2006

"Can you catch it on your tonsils when you heave it left and right?"

This lyric is somewhat obscure, but I will be expecting your answers anyway. 

A few days ago, for less than a 24-hour period, I became the Roast Master General.  In the morning, I was on “The View” roasting Meredith Vieira.  The minute the show ended, I had to rush over to The Hilton for the Friar’s Roast of Jerry Lewis.  After I got down from the podium, Jerry shook my hand and said, “You were wonderful, but you’re going to have to learn to speak up.” 

I was flown out to LA a few days ago by “The Tonight Show with Jay Leno”.  On the flight back to New York, Stevie Wonder sat down in first class by the window (why Stevie Wonder needs a window seat is beyond me).  At one point in the flight, I called the stewardess over.  I said to her, “You know, you could have sat Stevie Wonder in coach and just told him it was first class.”  She was not amused. 

Also on the plane was Macaulay Culkin.  Part of me was hoping terrorists would take over the plane just to see if Macaulay would slap both hands on his cheeks and do that scream from “Home Alone”. 

I realize that I’ve been somewhat lax in returning emails lately, but I still check on them and read them.  So, like they used to say in the old television shows, “Keep those cards and letters coming in.”

June 8, 2006

“Whether he won or whether he lost, to him it was always the same”

Tell me if you know where this title comes from. 

This BLOG is another slice of life.  I didn’t make this up.  If I had, it would have been a lot less funny. 

As I was boarding a bus, the black woman driver said to a woman passenger, “I get all the comics on this bus.”  Knowing she was thrilled to see such a famous person, I flashed a smile at her.  I figured, what the hell.  It takes so little effort to bring a taste of my fame and greatness into this woman’s sad, boring, non-famous existence. 

She looked at me stone faced.  As I sat down, she got up and started picking up trash on the bus.  She started muttering to herself, “They always leave their goddamn news papers and comics.”

I put my head down and stared at my shoes for the rest of the ride like the pathetic schmuck that I am. 

May 2, 2006

Another Clean Joke

A little boy swallows a silver dollar.  His mother rushes him to the hospital.  The doctor operates.  The next day, his mother calls the hospital and says “Doctor, what is my son’s condition?”  The doctor says “No change.”

April 10, 2006

Feeling Flushed

I performed at a college in Philadelphia, then boarded a plane to LA to do the Tonight Show. On the plane, this announcement came on the speaker..."The plane's restroom light is not operating. If you need to use the restroom, you may borrow a flash light from the stewardess."

Now I know what people mean when they say "You couldn't find your dick with a flashlight."

April 1, 2006

I’m gonna try every trick in the book

I think this is an easy lyric, but I'll be expecting your answers. 

The following is not a joke, just one of those slice of life stories.  Today I was walking down lower Broadway.  There was a Gypsy woman sitting at a table in the middle of the street ominously reading people’s futures.  All of a sudden, a strong gust of wind went by knocking everything off her table…tarot cards, candles, etc.  She seemed very angry at that.  You would think she would have predicted it. 

March 30, 2006

Mary Had A Little Lamb

(Sorry, that one is hard.  I don't expect you to know it.)

Just did another voice over for CYBERCHASE. I'll be flying out to Toronto to do yet another. I don't know if you have SIRIUS radio, but I roasted KKK spokesman Daniel Carver on Howard Stern.

Since I'm too lazy for a full blog, here are some clean jokes. Funny, I'm not promising.

Knock, Knock
Who's there?
Distress.
Distress who?
Distress matches dis blouse.

What's Casper's favorite ride at the amusement park?
The roller ghoster.

What do ghosts wear when it rains?
Ghoul-loshes.

March 25, 2006

Traveling Twice The Speed of Sound

It’s Easy To Get Burned

I was working a club in Georgia recently.  I got invited to a local strip club before the show.  Now, Georgia has its share of hotties but obviously none of them had directions to this place.  I was sitting at the bar and I felt the earth move.  Kind of like how the earth moves when you’re being chased by a T-Rex.  I don’t know how much money this girl was getting paid, but she certainly wasn’t going hungry.  This girl never missed a meal in her life.  Her ass was in two different time zones.  I got up to leave when a black man, the size of a football player, shook my hand and told me he was a fan.  He also told me he used to try standup comedy, but quit because it wasn’t enough to support his seven kids.  I smiled and joked, “To support seven kids, you’d have to hold up banks.”  His faced dropped, “I tried that,” he said.  “I got fifteen years probation.  They went easy on me cause of the seven kids.” 

On a different note, I did a guest appearance on a new version of “Let’s Make A Deal”.  I wasn’t sure if I should do it, but two of my agents said not to, so I said, “YES”!  They even gave one of my Dirty Jokes DVDs as a prize.  Much better then a jet ski, I say!!!

In the next couple of weeks, I’ll be stopping by Howard Stern and Jay Leno.  Which reminds me, I just filmed a quick appearance on Penn and Teller’s show “Bullshit”.  It’s shot in Las Vegas.  When I arrived at the airport, an old lady came up to me and politely asked “Are you the man who yells ‘Son of a Bitch!” on The Jay Leno Show? 

That’s all for now.  The title of this Blog is easy, but I want you to answer it anyway.

March 7, 2006

The Number One Guest On The Howard Stern Show

I stopped by Howard’s show and they told me that I’m the number one guest.  So there!!!!
 
I was in Missoula, Montana recently.  I was playing a theater, which I guess doubled as a movie theater.  The marquee outside read “Broke Back Mountain”, “Capote” and “Gilbert Gottfried”.  I stared at it wondering what they were trying to say.  In Montana, am I some kind of gay icon?  Anyway, the show and the DVD sales went great.  

The next day, I was waiting at the Missoula, Montana airport to return to New York.  The airport was about the size of a studio apartment.  It had a counter, a stuffed grizzly bear and a soda machine. I’ve refused to get on planes bigger than that airport.  

I decided to kill time by looking at the grizzly bear.  It was posed like it was about to strike the plastic fish at its feet. Later, I picked up a paper and realized that I didn’t have my glasses. I asked one of the airport workers if I had left them somewhere.  He looked around, but couldn’t find them.  He said “Maybe someone turned them in to the security office?”  “Great”, I thought.  “I’m sure someone would really do that.”  Just to make the airport worker feel important, I followed him to the security office.  As I was walking with him, I was thinking, “Here I am, wasting my time, following this rube to visit Andy Taylor and Barney Fife.”  We entered the office where there were two security officers sitting there.  Before I had a chance to say, “Well, Howdee there shit kicker, I hope I ain’t interruptin’ the marriage of you and yer sister.”  The airport worker said “Mr. Gottfried lost his glasses.”  The security officer smiled and held up the glasses.  He said someone found them by the grizzly bear and turned them in. I was dumb founded. The officer grinned and said “This is Montana.”  

I felt bad about everything I had been thinking.  I was being a cynic and a snob.  I felt good about Montana and its people. That is until I return there one day and all the people treat me like jerks and I get dragged into the mountains and raped by toothless hillbillies, who keep saying “Boy, yer sho got a purty mouth!”  Sorry, there I go again.

February 21, 2006

"Not Just A Joke...Just a Slice of Life"

"I wish I was white or Puerto Rican" so said the skinny black guy who just boarded the bus. Yes, big surprise, I'll take a bus to save on a cab or sometimes walk to save on a bus! Back to the skinny black guy. He was sitting across from the black woman bus driver when he expressed his wish. He looked up at me and said "sorry". I don't know why. "Yeah, I wish I was white or Puerto Rican" he repeated. This world wasn't made for ugly people. My brother killed himself, two of my cousins did too." I was listening intently, looking down, my eyes looking at him on one corner and looking out the window at the other. "It's my complexion" he said to the driver. "I'm ugly, I wish I was white or Puerto Rican" he said again. The black woman driver tossed off some home spun homily like "you should learn to like yourself." That didn't help. "I can't do that" he said. "Liking me is like liking the devil!" I looked out the window and contorted my arm to press the yellow strip. The bell rang and the signal went on.

"If I was the last man on earth, the women would still run away from me. I'm just ugly."

There was nothing else the black woman bus driver could say to him. Certainly, nothing I could say to him to make him feel differently. He was convinced this was his lot in life. I zipped up my jacket. This was my

stop.

February 17, 2006

"I have nothing to say right now"

So here's a bunch of old,  clean jokes.  As always, there's no guarantee any of them will be funny...

How do you stop an elephant from charging?

Take away his credit card.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Dakota.

Dakota who?

Dakota fits perfectly, but the pants are too long.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Pecan.

Pecan who?

Pecan someone your own size.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Major.

Major who?

Major open the door.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Wooden shoe.

Wooden shoe who?

Wooden shoe like to know.

February 11,  2006

“Waiting For An Answer”

Perhaps I wasn't being clear about your homework assignment so listen closely.  Tell me where the title of my last Blog (February 6, 2006) comes from (You of course win nothing).  Until then, two very dumb, but clean jokes...

How do you catch a squirrel?

Climb up a tree and act like a nut.

Why did the ketchup turn red?

It got embarrassed when it saw the salad dressing.

February 6,  2006

“I received your letter yesterday about the time the doorknob broke”

The title has nothing to do with the Blog.  This is a much easier title than the last one to guess.  For those of you who have children, you might be familiar with an educational station cartoon called “Cyberchase”.  Once again, as seems to be the case in my career, I play a bird.  This one named DIGIT.  These are the voiceovers I do.  There’s DIGIT the bird, IAGO the parrot from Aladdin and of course the AFLAC DUCK.  I think if I ever write my autobiography, the title will be “FOR THE BIRDS.”

Anyway, I fly to Toronto to record CYBERCHASE.  It’s very odd that this is an educational cartoon, considering what a below horrible student I was.  Forget about getting a “F” on my report card.  If it was possible, the teachers would have given me an “H”.  Anyway, back to flying to Toronto to record Cyberchase, I had a 5:30pm flight that I got there way too early.  When I got to the counter, I received the wonderful news that the flight had been canceled. Just sidetracking for a minute, how come real airline employees are never as cheerful and friendly as they are in the commercials?  Back to my canceled 5:30pm flight...  He told me he could have me stand by on the 6:30pm flight.  If that doesn’t work, I could be stand by on the 7:30pm flight.  If all else fails, he could almost guarantee that I can be on the 8:30pm flight.  I figured with that many hours to kill, maybe I can wait in the first class lounge, but the woman at the desk in the lounge told me that I couldn’t.  As I was leaving, all I could think was “how could she kick me out?”  “Has this woman never seen me in Problem Child III?”  So, I figured if I had that much time to kill, I would go home and come back.  

I stayed home for what seemed like all of 5 minutes until I headed back out again.  I returned to the airport at 7:15pm for my 8:30pm flight.  It was running on time for 8:30pm, then in the blink of an eye, it was running on time for 9pm.  Then, of course, it was running on time for 10pm.  I asked the girl at the counter, “so, we’ll be flying out at 10pm?”  She shrugged her shoulders which I thought was disrespectful.  Has this woman never seen me in “How to be a Playa”?  

At that point, dizzy from hunger (note to self...do a voice over for a cartoon character named Dizzy from Hungary).  I went to one of those food places at the airport for a bagel.  I picked up a few and realized that it would be a lot easier to bite into the side of a building. 

It seemed hopeless, so I went home once again to reschedule the voice of DIGIT in Cyberchase for another day.  I wonder if I could get frequent flyers miles just for the traveling and waiting.  

As I sit here at home, all I can think is “What a pain in the ass.”  “What mistreatment I face.”  “What a terrible life.”  “Has GOD never seen me in House Party III?”  

In case you're wondering, the title has absolutely nothing to do with this BLOG.  I doubt even most of you, if any of you, know where that line is from.  But, if you can guess it, you'll be the winner.  What do you win?  Absolutely nothing, but I'll say you're the winner. It's not like I stopped being a cheap bastard all of a sudden.

There hasn't been a new BLOG in a while and lately I encountered some trouble receiving and sending emails.  There was a problem with my website.  I tried everything I could think of to fix it.  I smacked the side of the computer a few times and walked around the living room holding the antenna up.  But alas, nothing seemed to work.  But now, it's working perfectly (more or less). 

In case you're not on MySpace.com, I just want to give you the three bad, but clean jokes that you may have missed. 

What keys don't open doors?

A monkey, a donkey and a turkey.

Did you hear the one about the umbrella?

Forget it.  It's over your head.

Why can't you keep Jews in prison?

Because they eat lox. 

If you are on MySpace.com, you've already seen these.

This week I was away in Detroit working as a reporter for the ESPN2 show "Cold Pizza".  I was covering the Super Bowl events. I think they picked me because of my vast knowledge of all things football.  (I'm joking if you did not know.) 

Now, here, as always, are some not necessarily funny, but clean jokes.

Today it was raining cats and dogs. 

How do you know?

I stepped in a poodle.

What is the weather in Mexico?

Chili today and hot tamale.

A question I get asked a lot:

Yes, I do intend to visit Howard and the gang on Sirius.  It's uncensored, so I can say things like "Gosh darn it" and "Oh, for pete's sake!"

A question I don't get asked, but some people are interested:

At Howard's birthday party, I shared a table with Gary, Artie, David Blain and Star Trek's George Takei (a person even I think talks funny).  Did I tell you there were girls wandering around the party wearing nothing but body paint? Yes, I told you that in the last blog, but I still like mentioning it.

And now some bad old jokes (but clean!!!!):

What has four wheels and flys?
A Garbage truck.

What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm?
Finding half a worm.

January 16, 2006

SAN FRANCISCO CHRONICLE

HIGHEST RATING - "VERY GOOD"
Mick LaSalle, John Stanley
Sunday, January 1, 2006

DIRTY JOKES

Live from New York, comedian Gilbert Gottfried performs his 49-minute stand-up act, a brilliant and absurd torrent of dirty, filthy, obscene and tasteless jokes. It's such a barrage that it seems like more than 49 minutes, and that's a compliment. His rendition of the "Aristocrats" joke is like something out of Hieronymus Bosch. This is a welcome set. Gottfried turns up in movies and television, usually as a minor character, a stop-the-action attraction who appears for a few minutes and is screamingly funny. Then he disappears. This set gives us a chance to see what a steady diet of Gottfried is like, as it showcases his full range. In passing, he does imitations of Jerry Seinfeld, Alan King and Bill Cosby. The extras consist of Gottfried sitting in a chair riffing, seemingly spontaneously, on a variety of topics. He talks about fictional friendships with JFK and Martin Luther King Jr., imitates the aged Groucho Marx and goes into a long story about what it will be like when this DVD is seen in the future by entirely mental beings. Gottfried is a comedy original, who has been working for years on the periphery, not below but only just above the radar, whose audience is finally catching up. Most of his jokes are brief -- not one-liners, but close -- making him a kind of Henny Youngman for a coarser era. -- Mick LaSalle

DVD REVIEW - San Francisco Chronicle

I really have nothing to say in this blog and especially since I just did one about a day ago.  This one is just to keep you on your toes, so you never know when there may be a new one. Actually, all I have for you is a very old joke.  As usual, it's not dirty and I make no promises about it being funny.

A man is in the hospital being wheeled in for open heart surgery.  He looks up at his doctor and asks "Doctor, after the surgery, will I be able to play the piano?" "Absolutely" replys the doctor. "That's funny" the man says.  "I never could before."

“My Second Blog ”

Today, because of some stupid no-name tornado, I got pre-empted from FOX AND FRIENDS, but we filmed the segment anyway which had the crew and everyone in the green room in hysterics.  It will air most likely next Sunday, 11/13.  It'll take a lot more than some dumb-ass, act of God, to stop me from shamelessly plugging my DVD "Gilbert Gottfried Dirty Jokes".

Because I don't really have anything to tell you right now, and i just felt like a I owed you another BLOG, I will tell you a stupid joke that I heard a few years ago. It's not dirty and it's not on my DVD, but here it goes...

A man is walking home late one night.  He decides to take a short cut through the cemetary, when all of a sudden he hears "MARK!"  He becomes very frightened and starts running.  He hears again "MARK!"  His heart is pounding and he starts screaming.  He hears again "MARK, MARK, MARK!!!!"  The man continues running and screaming. He continues to hear "MARK, MARK, MARK!!!"  A night watchman hears him and runs over to him. 

The man starts screaming to him "Thank god you're here.  In the cemetary, a ghost keeps calling me.  He keeps yelling "Mark, Mark, Mark!"  The night watchman says "That's no ghost.  That's just a dog with a hairlip."

The reason I say that is because this being my first BLOG, which hopefully people will read, it doesn’t matter what I write.  I can say “I like cute fluffy puppies” and someone will call Howard and say “Did you read Gilbert’s BLOG?  He told you to go fuck yourself.”  So there, I made it easier for you.  If you’re planning on calling Howard about anything else, yes, I do know you personally.  Yes, I was at a party with you and boy, oh boy, was I a jerk.  And if you’re a female, even if you live in Yugoslavia, yes, you were sitting minding your own business and I made a pass at you.